ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature
The Ten Year Old Dragon
Kanta was a little boy whose birthday was tomorrow. He was really excited. All his friends and family would be there. And of course, he'd get to eat his favorite sweets.
"Kanta, honey?" His mom called.
"Hi, mom." Kanta greeted.
"Tomorrow's your birthday. I bet your excited, huh?"
"Yeah! It's gonna be fun!" The little guy said happily.
"Yeah. You're gonna be a big boy. And big boys get to stay home alone."
"You mean..." Kanta said with his eyes lit up.
"That's right. Tonight you get to stay home while I go to the store." Not telling him which store.
"Alright! This is going to be great!" Kanta shouted with glee.
"Good night, Kanta."
"
Literature
Fire's Curse
I was so sure that having a 3rd Draik would have been really cool. But I did not know just what the outcome was going to be.
It all started around the Month of Eating in the Year 5. A few weeks before hand, I created a new Neopet, a red Ixi which I named TheFastestThingAlive, and I was saving up the NP to get a Draik Morphing Potion so I could make her a Draik. The main problem was that the prices on the trading post for Morphing Potions were steadily rising seeing that the Draik is a rare species of Neopet. That and I was having trouble deciding what color I wanted her to be. My first Draik, Born_to_Be_a_Winner was painted Ghost, and
Literature
The Shadow of Fire: Chapter 1
The Prophecy
Medieval era Romania circa 1400s, a dozen knights, wearing full body plate armor adorned with silver crosses on their shoulders and flowing red capes on their backs that had an image of a dragon skewered by a sword on them, made their way through the murky swamp around them. Each of the knights carried a lance that shone brilliant silver each time what little light breached the heavy vegetation touched them. All the knights were riding atop various colored war horses and were heading towards a large cave opening that lay in front of them in this dismal swamp. The perfect habitat for the particular prey these knights were hunting
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
Well this is somethig which came up to my mind when I was half sleeping (again?) And thinking of how I could possibly become a dragon.... Actually it would be possible as I described it here.... Probably
Well as always send me what you think of it...
This is the prologue of a major thing, so here is the next: Gadrac.deviantart.com/art/Aliv…
----------
EDIT: I corrected some spelling mistakes...
----------
BIG EDIT: I have entirely rewritten this chapter and it DOES NOT fit in the story anymore. I will be rewiting the other Chapters as well tough
Well as always send me what you think of it...
This is the prologue of a major thing, so here is the next: Gadrac.deviantart.com/art/Aliv…
----------
EDIT: I corrected some spelling mistakes...
----------
BIG EDIT: I have entirely rewritten this chapter and it DOES NOT fit in the story anymore. I will be rewiting the other Chapters as well tough
Mature
© 2011 - 2024 Gadrac
Comments44
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Let me guess, is the blonde man named "Smith"? xD
I love the beginning! You manage to create an immersive atmosphere. The English is fluent and the wording effective, you get straight to the point. The introduction is great.
However, the torture session seems a bit extreme, and too rushed. Everything is over in less than a week, they already destroyed his family, I don't think it's the way real torturer would act. Instead, they would let him think they might torture his family, without giving him actual proof. This way, he will be forced to imagine how they torture his family (I'm repeating myself too much...), which is worse than just seeing them torture it. Torturer take time to exhaust their victim, wake him up in the middle of the night, bring him to the limit of his resistance, both physically and psychologically (Did you read "Schachnovelle", von Stefan Zweig? Their method is really wicked). This can't be reached in one day, and doesn't justify a change in Smith's method. He looks like an amateur here.
The ending is really rushed, it's the usual scheme "TF + escape and then all is well". I expected you to develop what happened after! Even a dragon couldn't escape so easily, except if the tormentors wanted him to. It doesn't explain why the serum (which has been extensively tested) has a fully different and much more complicated effect than the one he tested on rats (except if it's not the same serum). Plus, I believe no sensible tormentor would TF him into a killer beast. They would rather incapacitate him progressively, make him lose control over parts of his body, making him unrecognisable, everything they need to deprive their victim of hope.
It is rather hard to manage an interesting torture scene. Maybe you read "The Farseer Trilogy" (Robin Hobb), in which the main character gets tortured once. It lasts much longer than here and has psychological and physical consequences all over the story. He only escapes by luck, and his attempt almost fails. What is interesting is the consequences : he needs help from the outside, because his tormentors do everything they need to make him unable to defend himself. It brings a lot to the story, and isn't lightly dealt with. You can't just say "ten years later...", we expect to see how deep he was hurt and how he will heal from this experience, or it will seem gratuitous.
To conclude, I think this chapter has a really good intro, but you could improve its ending, by developing the personality of the people or by skipping most of the torture. For example, you could make your character tell his memory of how he got TFed. This way, you could develop his personality by chosing what you want him to tell, create an atmosphere with these choices, and skip all the difficult explanations without making it clumsy (his memory isn't perfect, or he didn't want to tell...)
Smaller remarks:
"so the room must be dark as well" : you said his vision was blurry, so there must be light. But here it seems it's dark. This part confused me a little.
"what I already had feared two men were" : there's punctuation missing.
"I don’t now" : "know"
I love the beginning! You manage to create an immersive atmosphere. The English is fluent and the wording effective, you get straight to the point. The introduction is great.
However, the torture session seems a bit extreme, and too rushed. Everything is over in less than a week, they already destroyed his family, I don't think it's the way real torturer would act. Instead, they would let him think they might torture his family, without giving him actual proof. This way, he will be forced to imagine how they torture his family (I'm repeating myself too much...), which is worse than just seeing them torture it. Torturer take time to exhaust their victim, wake him up in the middle of the night, bring him to the limit of his resistance, both physically and psychologically (Did you read "Schachnovelle", von Stefan Zweig? Their method is really wicked). This can't be reached in one day, and doesn't justify a change in Smith's method. He looks like an amateur here.
The ending is really rushed, it's the usual scheme "TF + escape and then all is well". I expected you to develop what happened after! Even a dragon couldn't escape so easily, except if the tormentors wanted him to. It doesn't explain why the serum (which has been extensively tested) has a fully different and much more complicated effect than the one he tested on rats (except if it's not the same serum). Plus, I believe no sensible tormentor would TF him into a killer beast. They would rather incapacitate him progressively, make him lose control over parts of his body, making him unrecognisable, everything they need to deprive their victim of hope.
It is rather hard to manage an interesting torture scene. Maybe you read "The Farseer Trilogy" (Robin Hobb), in which the main character gets tortured once. It lasts much longer than here and has psychological and physical consequences all over the story. He only escapes by luck, and his attempt almost fails. What is interesting is the consequences : he needs help from the outside, because his tormentors do everything they need to make him unable to defend himself. It brings a lot to the story, and isn't lightly dealt with. You can't just say "ten years later...", we expect to see how deep he was hurt and how he will heal from this experience, or it will seem gratuitous.
To conclude, I think this chapter has a really good intro, but you could improve its ending, by developing the personality of the people or by skipping most of the torture. For example, you could make your character tell his memory of how he got TFed. This way, you could develop his personality by chosing what you want him to tell, create an atmosphere with these choices, and skip all the difficult explanations without making it clumsy (his memory isn't perfect, or he didn't want to tell...)
Smaller remarks:
"so the room must be dark as well" : you said his vision was blurry, so there must be light. But here it seems it's dark. This part confused me a little.
"what I already had feared two men were" : there's punctuation missing.
"I don’t now" : "know"